Haven't dated in months. Might be going on a year pretty soon here. While I have no dates to report or type about, I feel like I need to purge "something" from this little head of mine. I don't know exactly what it is...but it's something like this:
I need a place to vent. To release all the negative, sad, lonely feelings I am experiencing during this journey. The disappointments. I need a place to cry, to count the salty tears of my single-hood. I need a place where I can confess the gallons of ice cream I consume on a very bad, lonesome night; or maybe a place where I can just be brutally honest with myself. And let others be scathingly honest with me in return. I need a place where I can whine and fall apart when things get to me. Where I can sort out my thoughts and feelings.
It's hard to date when you don't trust anyone. Or don't care. For yourself. For them. For whoever. When you've forced yourself to be as numb as you can. I mean, at this rate, I can only associate men with HURT. As far as romancing goes for me these days, I don't think I believe in that fairy tale princess load of crap anymore. I don't know. Maybe someday I'll wake up from this "sleep" and find my "prince charming" has been there all along. Today, though, the men I have dated end up only wanting me for a certain thing or other. And by that I mean a casual relationship with casual sex. And yes, some of them have been "good" Mormon boys. Having been rejected for another set of reasons previously, this new issue is starting to create a whole new low for me. All the good guys are taken, and what's left is the nasty jerks. One could easily get depressed.
It's gotten to the point where if I ask a guy why he likes me, if he mentions anything physical about me, OUT. O-U-T you are out. Something as simple as "you are pretty" is strike one, two, three all in one. Whether they really think it's true or not, what's running through my head is that they are only saying it because it's what they think I want to hear and so I'll magically do and be whatever it is they want. Thank you, nasty men, for making me feel so sexy ( maybe?) but NO THANK YOU and sexy don't last forever.
What do I want? My goodness! How many times can a girl say what she wants?!?! But just to appease, I guess. I want HONEST. I want FOREVER. Honest being a love that is true, loyal, and real; those are things that are worth keeping, worth caring and dying for, and worth the work. When it's honest, there are no secrets, no lies, no suspicions. Honest is simple, plain, and God-fearing. And when it can be honest, it will be FOREVER. Forever meaning you have temporal and eternal goals. Knowing that love is work but the work will facilitate growth and be the catalyst to progression to that "perfect" love. Where you love more, deeper, more meaningfully, more honestly and with a purity that last eons, lifetimes, for eternities. HONEST AND FOREVER. Too much to ask? Well, I'll just be the persistent toddler and ask a bazillion times until something gives.
I need a place to vent. To release all the negative, sad, lonely feelings I am experiencing during this journey. The disappointments. I need a place to cry, to count the salty tears of my single-hood. I need a place where I can confess the gallons of ice cream I consume on a very bad, lonesome night; or maybe a place where I can just be brutally honest with myself. And let others be scathingly honest with me in return. I need a place where I can whine and fall apart when things get to me. Where I can sort out my thoughts and feelings.
It's hard to date when you don't trust anyone. Or don't care. For yourself. For them. For whoever. When you've forced yourself to be as numb as you can. I mean, at this rate, I can only associate men with HURT. As far as romancing goes for me these days, I don't think I believe in that fairy tale princess load of crap anymore. I don't know. Maybe someday I'll wake up from this "sleep" and find my "prince charming" has been there all along. Today, though, the men I have dated end up only wanting me for a certain thing or other. And by that I mean a casual relationship with casual sex. And yes, some of them have been "good" Mormon boys. Having been rejected for another set of reasons previously, this new issue is starting to create a whole new low for me. All the good guys are taken, and what's left is the nasty jerks. One could easily get depressed.
It's gotten to the point where if I ask a guy why he likes me, if he mentions anything physical about me, OUT. O-U-T you are out. Something as simple as "you are pretty" is strike one, two, three all in one. Whether they really think it's true or not, what's running through my head is that they are only saying it because it's what they think I want to hear and so I'll magically do and be whatever it is they want. Thank you, nasty men, for making me feel so sexy ( maybe?) but NO THANK YOU and sexy don't last forever.
What do I want? My goodness! How many times can a girl say what she wants?!?! But just to appease, I guess. I want HONEST. I want FOREVER. Honest being a love that is true, loyal, and real; those are things that are worth keeping, worth caring and dying for, and worth the work. When it's honest, there are no secrets, no lies, no suspicions. Honest is simple, plain, and God-fearing. And when it can be honest, it will be FOREVER. Forever meaning you have temporal and eternal goals. Knowing that love is work but the work will facilitate growth and be the catalyst to progression to that "perfect" love. Where you love more, deeper, more meaningfully, more honestly and with a purity that last eons, lifetimes, for eternities. HONEST AND FOREVER. Too much to ask? Well, I'll just be the persistent toddler and ask a bazillion times until something gives.
No comments:
Post a Comment