Psycho Ex

One of the things he told me when he left me, "You were a good catch...." That phrase still rings and echoes in my mind, a steel trap, unrelenting. Bound and molded by a fear of ever facing that phrase again from yet another man. What made me not a good catch anymore? And then the rumors reach my ears...the things he tells his new-found friends and new found lover, the lover he'd worked with two years.

Looking back, I probably was a bit 'psycho.' I probably am still kind of, somewhat psycho. I know for sure now that I was and still am fighting depression. And here's the thing, I had a husband yet I felt completely and utterly alone. I re-read some of my journal entries the other night and realized I was in a dark, angry, bitter place. I was mad at God. I was mad at Dallace. I was mad at not being able to have more kids. I was drowning in self-loathing. I was just viciously, ferociously mad. I felt abandoned. 

And in my entries, I wrote about the distance I felt between he and I. I felt like he just wanted all my "issues" to just go away. That I was broken. And just like many broken, and unfixed trucks he had in his mom's backyard (the ones he just couldn't fix or "solve")...he gave up and left me out to rot and rust. He couldn't afford me emotionally. I had become without his mental means. If I refused to fix myself, he refused also. And while that fact leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, I can't blame him for jumping ship. There were times I wanted to jump ship. I tried to end my life a couple times and failed. There were nights I felt like I could just run away. Just jump into my car and drive and never stop driving until I reached the edge of the world and fell off. 

They'll giggle over dinner or over a six pack of beer how psycho I was or am. And repeat all the angry, foolish, crazy things I said once upon a time. But I make sure to remember the good with the bad. After Dallace's death, my parents went back to Germany and I honestly felt like I could lie down and die. The first night they were gone, I remember sleeping in his parent's house. All night long, I trembled, tossed, turned, cried, howled, gnashed my teeth and wept. And all night, he stayed by my side, awake and soothing. Crying with me. Those moments of compassion in the midst of my long road on Depression Lane made the difference and it's why I'm still alive. 

For years I had focused on so many bad things. For years, I learned to resent everyone around me because of the guilt I felt from my own actions. I took it out on everyone close to me. I'm only sorry he had to be one of those people. Some things you can endure. Some things you just can't. I pray he has some good memories. 

Stab Me

Please pardon me as I have sort of an intense night. I hold it together for the most part. Rather I hold it in by distracting myself with work, lil man, and the pursuit of happiness. All the while, that chronic, inescapable, lump in my heart and throat throbs with ferocity, yearning to rise to overcome me. On such nights as these, the tears come unbidden, unwanted and by surprise. And all I can do is let go and feel myself become helpless to the downpour. And all the things people say because they feel they need to say such things to me come slamming into my  mind and the tears keep pouring.

"It's a good thing you only had one! Imagine if you had three little ones and he left you??" While I agree in a way, it's a blessing I had all those miscarriages but some things...should just be left unsaid. The relief of a seemingly pleasant and convenient present does not take away the heartache or anguish of the past...especially a mother's heartache. I know single mothers who juggle life with three or more kids...I'm not any less capable, thank you. You might as well just stab me, saying these things to me.

"It's better that he left you....you're better off..." Thank you. Yes, I might be better off but he is still lil man's dad so the situation is more complicated than just getting over him and moving on. I still have to figure out how to work out this co-parenting without investing my feelings such as anger, bitterness, resentment, or the deep desire to beat the living day lights out of stupidity. Also, please consider that I ALWAYS consider my son's feelings in this SPLIT. He is most important...and so, it's not necessarily a "better off" situation. I'll work it out, however, despite your ignorant statements. You might as well stab me with such statements.

"You're a cold and calculating, woman. Maybe it was you..." Stab me, why don't you?

"You were a good catch...." Stab me and please make sure I die. 

"You'll find love...true love..." I suppose this phrase brings my heart the most anguish because I don't know how to feel about this phrase. Hopeful yet cynical? Positive yet stoic and unmoved? Faithful yet skeptical and doubtful? This phrase almost always makes me take a look at what's going on inside and I always come to recognize that I don't trust ANY men. I could if I just learned to let go...but it feels better biting down on the hurt, get acclimated and never go through any of it again...even LOVE, whatever that is. 

I cry and wish you could just stab me. 

Electric Run 2013...Illuminating!

Yay! I made it through another 5K! It was the Electric Run in Austin, Texas! And there are some cray-cray peeps in Austin, I tell ya! But it was sooooo much fun. I love the lights! I loved the costumes. We saw people with tutus, tiaras, bright, vivid colors, glow in the dark paint, glow sticks galore, wigs in all sorts of neon craziness, fake and real multi-colored mo-hawks, and just all sorts of shenanigans. There was even a guy who made his own robot head. Wish I had gotten a pic of it but it was quite impressive and heavy looking. But he ran with it!!! 

Anyway...here are some pics from Team La-ers!

Our fearless driver =)

actual, professional runner & personal trainer!

Car nap!

one word...LEGGINGS!

CUTE!

LA-ERS!

CUTE

We were wave 4! Took forever!!!!!

can you see me now?

illuminating!

yes! ready to go!

pumped!

So! I ran almost the whole way!! I sprinted up this one hill...and it just did a number on me. Briskly walked about half a mile trying to make the hurt go away. But found that I didn't feel it quite as much when I kept at a steady run. So note to self: don't sprint UP hills. Again the lights were dazzling, the music was raving, and I had so much fun! And the dance part-ay was a smashing good time! Let's do it again!!!!

Dating with Kids

I was going to make a video because I thought it would be quicker and easier. But as I pressed the record button and started, I realized I was way too tired ( it was apparent in the bags and dark circles under my eyes) to be making a video....so I'm typing it up instead. Sorry for those who don't like to read. I'll try to make this engaging with the words that dance across the screen.

So I have a lil experience that I'd like to share. Lil man and I were out shopping a couple days ago for some school things for him and picking up some medication for me. My son has a tendency to play games in the store, which is normal and expected from most five year old boys. So he's dashing in and out of clothes racks trying to scare the heebie jeebies out of me in true lil rascal boy fashion. I'm going along with it because I'd rather deal with this version of lil man than the crying, pleading, stomping feet version. He's hiding in one of the clothes racks as I carefully and meticulously calculate the cost of this pair of pants to the cost of that pair of pants. I happen to glance up and catch two guys walking towards me, smiling and one of the guys winked at me. Winking, in my opinion, should only be done between persons who are familiar with each other and have an inside joke. Otherwise, it's rather disconcerting...in my opinion, of course. The other one is wiggling his eyebrows at me. Seriously? These fools must be 19 year olds who look like dumb thirty year olds. That is the thought that ran through my head, initially.

"BOOOOO!!" lil man pops out of the clothes rack and of course, I give him the obligatory scream of shock and horror. He's giggling and I can see all his teeth with that grin I love the most. "Momma! Did I scare you?"

"Duuuude! You made me jump out of my socks, you were so scary!" I say this and right after I say this, the guys are about 5 feet away and I can hear the screech of their shoes on the floor. They came to a stop...only for a few seconds..and in those seconds I heard the taller one say to the other....

"Oh dang (*they used another word *)! She has a kid!" and right when the guy says this to his lil pal, they both veer to the right and scamper away, tails tucked under and heads ducked low. How's about that, eh? I was amazed and impressed by the blunt and frigid honesty of their actions. And it just reiterates to me, personally, that younger is not for me.

I wonder what people assume about me. Sometimes I get people who are like, "Are you the nanny?" Or I have had a woman ask me in particular, "How long have you been a nanny?" But then lil man is ALWAYS telling me, "Mom, you're my mom because we look like each other's faces..." I don't know it all amuses me and gives me a good chuckle.

So that's the experience for today's blog. Still doing good with the T25. Doing less modifications and getting stronger everywhere but mostly in the abdomen! I want a six pack! So yeah...

ALSO ELECTRIC RUN coming up this Friday 09/27!!! WOOT WOOT. I think I'm going to make my glow in the dark outfit BATMAN themed! What?! YESSSSSSSS!!!!!

Anywhosies! Happy life, my precious readers! Peace and blessings!

Good Sabbath

Today was a great Sunday. We had to get up earlier because we went to southside San Antonio to visit San Antonio 1st Ward...my old, home ward. The ward I grew up in...and it was quite a nostalgic day for me, walking through those halls. Each room I walked into, I could see wisps of long time ago yesterdays as memories washed over me. Little ghosts of the younger us running through those hallways, romping outside in the grass, dances and luaus in the gym, mom working in the primary with the little ones, young women mutual nights in the kitchen cake decorating or crafts and such. I was on the verge of tears in every room. And the ward is still filled with such sweet, humble members. New and old friends.

I loved the Spirit I felt in that chapel today. I loved the reunion; loved being able to talk to old friends and see their wonderful smiling faces again. It was just great to be "home." Made me think of Dallace. Made me think of my family. Made me reflect on the blessings I have as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It's a great comfort to me to know that my family will continue...won't end after this life. Death is not the end....it only opens the opportunity to be immortal and to be immortal with the people I love the most and still keep them as my family. Whatever your beliefs....this is mine. And it is what makes me happiest at the end of the day. Dallace isn't that far away. And my family is never far away from me. Nor is my Heavenly Father. Families can be together forever...that phrase is the one phrase I've never forgotten and the only phrase that resonates deeply in my soul no matter what my spiritual state.

This is my truth...this is why I endure.

And with that, I bid you good night and hope everyone has a GREAT and FANTASTIC week!

Day one, two weeks, and three weeks

Bank Teller Cutie

Today I went to the bank again. Mr. Bank Teller Cutie was there. Today he was wearing glasses. And if anything makes a cute guy cuter, it's glasses. Well for me at least. Did I stare? A lil bit. I'm seriously like at the precipice of being a certified creeper. Yes bring on the weird-girl status. So the glasses were a little bit distracting. I mean, I assure you I was grinning like a fool and couldn't help the giggles on the inside. So he took the bank bag after a very giggly greeting from me and of course, the sweet, smiley greeting from his end. And it only takes a few moments to return but in those moments, I can feel myself battling to NOT look like I was looking for him or anxiously awaiting his return. I'm crazy. I know. But I'm also trying to build up the courage to just ask him already to lunch or something. It's just not happening. The frozen tongue. The glazed over eyes. The silly grin that is now petrified on my face, like a smiling, painted portrait starring at you with the same expression yet the eyes are following you eerily wherever you stand. Creeeeeepy!

But he comes back. And when he comes back, he puts his lips to the lil microphone and says: "Ma'am...what is your name?"

I'm surprised by the question and for one tiny second I almost forgot my name. But I recovered and I remembered in a sufficient time. He hears my name and I think I see a smile. Gosh! That smile.

And then he says, "Hi, Sabrina. Nice to meet you...." ah the formalities. And of course, I'm like very pleased to meet you. Now we're on a first name basis...but wait I need to know his name!!

"Oh wait! What's your name?" I blah and blurt out the question and it's clearly clear that it was an after-thought kind of question. Can I be more lame? He points to his nametag and there is his glorious name.

"Oh! Well again, nice to meet you, Mr. Bank Teller Cutie (names have been changed in this story except for those who matter...ME...to protect the identity of such persons), " as I say this, I am wondering if the grin on my face is as sweet as his and as attractive or if I, in reality, look like a smiling monkey. Such nerves, I tell ya. Yeah, flirting is not my line of business.

And then he says, "Well, Sabrina. I'll talk to you next time..." as if he's expecting me to come again or hoping I come again!!! How's about that! Oh yes...I got two lollipops again. BAM!

So no lunch rendezvous yet....or anything that exciting! BUT this is progress, right?? So yeah...if any of you gorgeous peeps have any tips or advice, please leave them so I can read them, ponder on them, and then never follow through with them because I'm better at being a creeper than an expert flirt.