Please pardon me as I have sort of an intense night. I hold it together for the most part. Rather I hold it in by distracting myself with work, lil man, and the pursuit of happiness. All the while, that chronic, inescapable, lump in my heart and throat throbs with ferocity, yearning to rise to overcome me. On such nights as these, the tears come unbidden, unwanted and by surprise. And all I can do is let go and feel myself become helpless to the downpour. And all the things people say because they feel they need to say such things to me come slamming into my mind and the tears keep pouring.
"It's a good thing you only had one! Imagine if you had three little ones and he left you??" While I agree in a way, it's a blessing I had all those miscarriages but some things...should just be left unsaid. The relief of a seemingly pleasant and convenient present does not take away the heartache or anguish of the past...especially a mother's heartache. I know single mothers who juggle life with three or more kids...I'm not any less capable, thank you. You might as well just stab me, saying these things to me.
"It's better that he left you....you're better off..." Thank you. Yes, I might be better off but he is still lil man's dad so the situation is more complicated than just getting over him and moving on. I still have to figure out how to work out this co-parenting without investing my feelings such as anger, bitterness, resentment, or the deep desire to beat the living day lights out of stupidity. Also, please consider that I ALWAYS consider my son's feelings in this SPLIT. He is most important...and so, it's not necessarily a "better off" situation. I'll work it out, however, despite your ignorant statements. You might as well stab me with such statements.
"You're a cold and calculating, woman. Maybe it was you..." Stab me, why don't you?
"You were a good catch...." Stab me and please make sure I die.
"You'll find love...true love..." I suppose this phrase brings my heart the most anguish because I don't know how to feel about this phrase. Hopeful yet cynical? Positive yet stoic and unmoved? Faithful yet skeptical and doubtful? This phrase almost always makes me take a look at what's going on inside and I always come to recognize that I don't trust ANY men. I could if I just learned to let go...but it feels better biting down on the hurt, get acclimated and never go through any of it again...even LOVE, whatever that is.
I cry and wish you could just stab me.
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