For Wheals!!!

Hi, guys...(said sheepishly). So. Last run was July 22nd...yeah. To justify this, I'll share some incidents with you. Well...one incident that started this roller coaster two weeks. So the bugs love me. I'm all sweet and junk or something. Or I don't know maybe bugs love bitter...I can confess I might be slightly bitter. Just slightly. But the point is, I have been bit several times in the last month. Mostly my right arm. Apparently, it's delicious. So the last bite started out as a small, nondescript bite, turned into an itchy nuisance, then blew up in a fit of cellulitis. I told you about the draining and the pain and the visit to the doc's. Well, everything seemed to be fine. But I noticed while taking the antibiotics some side effects. Which I RARELY have. Until lately that is....something to do with age, although I'm skeptical...I'm as healthy now as I was when I was sixteen gosh darnit!

It started with some dizziness. Twenty minutes post swallowing the giant white pill the world would spin and shift. Slightly...almost unnoticeable but I felt it most if I was sitting too still. Then gradually the dizziness turned into pretty bad nausea. And that is the WORST. When you feel that queasiness but no relief because you just can't purge it from the back of your throat. There were a couple of days when I tried to start a run but I just couldn't get the feeling to go away enough to muster up the will to just run! It was frustrating. Then I noticed my appetite. I had none. I would think I wanted something, make it, and sit down to eat it. Aaaaaand nothing. Everything looked disgusting. So instead of enjoying my food as I usually do (cuz I loooooove food), I was eating just because I knew I had to for my health, I guess. I started skipping breakfast again. *Sad face* Bad! And then the migraine hit. Saturday I was sitting at a shop, waiting for my oil change, and my head felt like it just imploded on itself. I felt like my ears were bleeding. It was horrible being there in that shop where there was lots of light, lots of noise, and lots of scents/smells. Popped an Excedrin (love these!) and it took the edge off but holy guacamole!

she's a beauty!

And then Sunday morning the itchiness crept in. Slowly but surely. It didn't help that the classroom I was teaching in was extremely hot...made me uncomfortable. I almost lost my cool in the middle of a lesson. During the whole lesson, my arm was extremely itchy. It was distracting. I didn't think anything of it...thought that it was just my bite healing from the draining and what not. But Monday the itchiness traveled down my whole forearm. By Tuesday afternoon, both of my arms were covered in red, blotchy wheals. Tuesday evening, my legs and feet were covered, the itchiness driving me to a point of madness. So where did I go today on my day off? Back to the doc's. So the doc concluded that I'm allergic to sulfamethoxazole. So now I can no longer put NONE when asked on a medical form if I have any allergies to certain medications. He said that I should stop the medication....I only had ONE more day. Oh well. Oh apparently I was not supposed to be running under the sun while I was on this antibiotic. It clearly stated this on the bottle...I don't read prescription bottles apparently. Doc said it's probably why I got that migraine and dizziness. So yeah. Oh well. Recommended I take Benadryl in the meantime and come back if the condition worsens like if I have trouble breathing and stuff. So there's that....

And the point is, I've had a rough past two weeks. I'm hoping to get over all these silly side effects, get back to normal, and start running again before this next 5K which is August 31st!!!!!

Also!!!

^^--THAT KID STARTS KINDERGARTEN SOOOOOON!!! Say whaaaaaa???? Excuse me while I sit a while in shock and bewilderment!!!

So yeah!! I must make good with my running goals again!

 

Loving Someone You Never Got To Meet

I don't talk about this much. In fact, I've never talked about this subject in detail. But for some reason, I feel like I need to share. Mostly to purge what I've hidden and anguished over by myself. December 2009, we found out I was pregnant. I was elated but so very doubtful and cautious to get my hopes up. Three previous miscarriages didn't lend much hope yet there was a teensy weensy bit of hope. I went to those first appointments and witnessed a good, strong heartbeat. And instantly names spun through my head. Baby clothes danced across my mind. Bottle feeding. Diaper changing. Midnight feedings. Hungry infant cries. Milestones celebrations. It's instant. A mother can't help it. Hopes, dreams, visions whoosh in her mind like a hurricane. They had me on baby aspirin. They had me on progesterone. They were going to make this happen, and I was beginning to believe it and allowing myself to sit back and enjoy the joys of growing a baby inside my tiny, little body.

February 16, 2010. I went to my appointment, every hope bright and radiating through my body. We were doing an ultrasound. I was going to see my little angel again. I laid back on the table, smiling. Ready and eager to see my baby on that screen. And I saw it. I was happy for one moment and in the next moment I was panicking. The doctor wasn't saying anything. I heard the click-click of his mouse a dozen times. As he measured, readjusted, looked again. A look spread across his face as he recognized something I was not. And then I saw it, too. No heartbeat. Nothing at all.... I remember just clicking off. Turned off my emotions and just became numb. The doctor was saying a lot of things, sighing, rubbing his chin. Frowning. Looking helpless. I shook my head and just said okay a dozen times.

"Can I just get one last picture...." I murmured. And I knew he was choking down words and emotions as he nodded his head. He gave me the picture. I took it, gazed at it, and then put it in my purse. I was alone. So very alone and still I didn't allow myself to cry while I dressed. Gradually I felt an urgency to just leave the place. But I walked to my doctor's office as directed and sat in a chair, waiting. He asked if I wanted to do another D&C and I just chuckled. "No, " was my flat, unemotional answer. He nodded.

"We'll see what happens in two weeks..." I remember him clearing his throat a lot. He asked if I wanted to pray with him. I allowed the gesture. He knew I was Mormon. I knew he was Baptist. His words fell heavily on my heart but I appreciated his sincerity.

"We can try again...." he said as I was standing. I looked back at him, suddenly feeling terribly and utterly wasted. I was alone. No one was with me and I just wanted to leave. Go to a dark place and tear apart my body. My useless, unforgiving body.

"No..." another flat-voiced, answer. This was it. I couldn't do this anymore. And I left. I fled actually. And I waited one week. I don't know how I functioned. I just did. Fed my son. Cleaned the house. Moved furniture. Folded laundry. Went to the park. Just going through the motion of every day things, waiting. I didn't cry once. Just waited. Didn't talk about it  much. These waiting games carry abundant torture as it is...why talk about it?

February 23, 2010. It happened. I remember the cramps. I remember the shock even though I knew it was coming. I was in the bathroom. Lil man was napping. It was then that the tears flowed. It was then that the anguish ripped me apart inside. And I felt great depths of anger and utter despair. And I remember howling. Moaning in sorrow as I cried aloud to God. I held her in my hands. I decided it was a her. My body shook and shuddered with every broken emotion I felt that day. And I remember thinking this was absolutely all my fault. I apologized to her. I told her I was sorry I wasn't good enough. I spent an hour with her, despairing. And then vowing never again. I could never do this again to anyone else. Never, baby girl. Never again.

"My baby....my baby....oh my sweet, sweet baby.." I kept repeating over and over until I just couldn't stand the pain of what I was facing right then and there.

Then I stood and cleaned everything up robotically, placing her in a tiny shoe box. I buried her. And only I know the exact spot she rests. I told everyone when it happened. But I never told anyone the depth of all that happened that day. But I cried almost every night and I sank further and further into a deep, inconsolable depression. I did what I had to every day; slapped on a fake smile. Got my chores done. But I started eating and eating and eating. And drinking and drinking and drinking. And no one really knew.

Love, Bugs, and Stuff Like That....

So last week was a horrible, horrible week for me as far as the running and what not. It rained most of the week, but that's no excuse. I've run in freezing rain before....once...but I still did it. But starting Monday, I had this migraine present but lurking in the corners of my skull. Am I grateful for Excedrin! Kept the migraine at bay but I really had a hard time focusing. I just wanted to sleep! Curl up in a tight, cozy ball and sleeeep forever! Did not run one day this past week....WEAK! So I could not find the focus I needed. I felt like I was barely functioning. So this coming week, I had better get my bum in gear! Go Brina!

And then this weekend another bug bite gone wrong. Had to go to the emergency room. Boooo, although the doctor was very polite, did his work quick, and gave me some strong, potent antibiotics. Infected, abscessed! It was pretty. My whole right forearm was swollen today and I could feel the puss swimming and oozing underneath my skin. So gave in. Threw the towel in and gritted my teeth all the way to the doc's. Anesthetics are not my friend. I felt the needle. Both times! Mercy me, what pain! And then I felt the draining. Ow, ow ow! The pressure and the sting was quite unbearable. Bit down on my shirt sleeve and held my breathe the whole time. Beads of sweat popping out on my forehead and I know my heart rate was outta control! But doc was quick. Tough but quick. Now the wait at the pharmacy...that was ridiculous. I was in pain. My arm felt like it could fall off and was burning but I had to wait. One hour and thirty minutes later. Geez Louise! By that time, I felt like I'd reached my pain threshold. Raced home and took my meds and ate. Feeling better and hoping this arm starts to look normal again!

And another thing! Had a talk with a friend who's going through some heartache. This Someone-Friend asked if there was a way to get rid of all the feelings and memories right now, right now! Someone-Friend wanted every memory, feeling, pain, anger, lingering affection gone this instant. The thing is it doesn't go away that easy. It won't go away just like that. A broken heart is a hard thing to endure BUT with time, it's possible to heal all things. I know. Such an old adage. But from my experience, it's pretty, awfully true. It made me recall my own experience. "Well, what did you do?" I cried and cried and cried. Then I cried-prayed to God, pleading for some kind of relief.  And I sat and waited. And waited. And waited. Trying to hide away from the pain. Trying to tuck it all back in, thinking if I don't think about it, it'll go away. But nothing happened. The pain just wouldn't go away. There were so many triggers. Trigger happy memories came floating into my head, flooding my body with deep depression. But I kept choking it all back.

And then I got up and made new memories and forced myself to embrace all the feelings resulting from my divorce, my failed marriage. While I embraced the anger, the guilt, the disappointment, the feelings of betrayal, I was suddenly also feeling spurts of happy moments. I sorted through my emotions, analyzed them, categorized them, documented them in neat, curt little phrases in my diary and continued to pray. And slowly, I found myself enjoying the happy little moments. At first those little rays of sunshine and rainbow didn't come much, but when they did or I recognized them, man I drank up like an alcoholic in prohibition era. Thirsty and not knowing if more would come. Then slowly I began to realize, these newer, happier moments had always been there; but I wouldn't have known it if I didn't face all the ugliness first, realized the ugly little things that they were and awakened to the beauty of everything else. If that makes any sense.  think what I mean is, it's okay to wallow for a bit and cry and be sad about life's mishaps but it's even better when you get out and smile and DO something else. Yes, it sucks things didn't work out. But that is life. We are all human, looking for love. Looking for a place to belong. Learn from it, let it go, and go look somewhere else. Deep down inside, you know WHO you are, you know the love you deserve. Obviously not the one that walked away from you.

I continue to pray for my silly little heart. But I'm so glad I own this silly little heart that has been through so much. Because of her, I can give advice. And Someone-Friend even mentioned they were proud of how far I've come and expressed gratitude that they are able to be open and frank with me and get open and frank back. All in a day and life of Sabrina! Anywhosies! Happy running peeps! 

Second Fiddle

"You cannot expect any man to follow you around when he plays second fiddle to your child."

That quote there above? I've heard it from three different guys, all giving me advice on my dating life and what not. Each time I've heard this said to me, I've felt some kind of g-force in my gut as it all falls, crashing, reeling in awareness. I've been told it should be about me....that I put Lil Man first way too much. That I deserve a small measure of happiness. I'm setting the bar too high. It's great insight to have, I suppose. From a man's perspective. And maybe one day when I'm less stubborn and less paranoid, I'll be able to consider and roll with this kind of advice.

But after much deliberation and deep meditation, this is the conclusion I've come to at this point. Right now, Lil Man is FIRST because no one else will put him first. And right now, he needs it. It would be different if he had more emotional support from the only other person he adores and trusts like his mamma. But he doesn't and that leaves too much room for disappointment, heartache, and hurt for my son. I feel it is best to focus on our relationship right now and get a good, solid foundation between us before I focus on any other relationship.

There isn't any rush to get seriously involved right now either because I still have a lot of quirks I need to work on, tons of dreams/goals/opportunities I want to grab, and lots of healing that needs to take place. Yes and YES it does get lonely and every now and then I crave a little companionship but deep inside, I know it's not time yet. And it is about me at times...not always Lil Man like some people assume. Every now and then I learn a new craft, read a book I've never read, hang out at the movies with some friends, run my butt off, chat/text/skype with my bestest of friends, and improve, improve, improve. So maybe by the time Mr. Eternal Companion shows up, I'll be more than ready to put that relationship first and foremost. Right now just ain't the time. No matter how many tears (which grow fewer by the minute) fall on my pillow, how many tubs of ice cream I devour (I haven't eaten a tub to myself in months!), or how many cold, shivering nights I do spend in my bed alone.

In the end, I know Lil Man and I will be fine and dandy. And that's my ranty rant for the night/early morning. Today no run. No workout. Today was about healthy eating and starting a food log. Ewwwww. I'm not surprised at how much I can eat...but I'm a bit appalled at what I do or don't eat. A bag of chips, lots of chocolate, and not enough veggies. All this running and pumping out push ups won't amount to much if I keep eating the way I do! Aye aye aye!! But that's what the food log is for. Not going on a diet but being more AWARE of what I eat. Awareness is good.

Anywho. Peace and happy running, peeps!

Things that make me think Wow! and things that make me think Wooooowww!

I had a better week this week as far as the running and working out routine. Run Monday (a little more than 2 miles), p90x Tuesday, run Wednesday with lil man (that was sooooo much fun), p90x Thursday and Friday, and then a goood, solid run on Saturday, completing a little under 3.5 miles. Saturday's run was really good for me. Smoked that first mile and then the last two miles I took it really slow and steady. Around 2.5 miles, a mom pushing a stroller ran past me. And I couldn't help but admire her strength. Running all on my own is tough! I mean, I'm sweating gallons (enough to fill a pool most likely) just dragging my own fat butt along that track. And here is Ms. Runner Supermom pushing a stroller with a toddler and all the toddler's gear. Toddler gear is no joke, either. They need their diaper bag with the formula, the extra wipes, the favorite toy, extra clothes, bottles, creams, hats, etc. etc. Yes, this mom captured my attention and admiration. And I could tell she ran well and ran often. She had awesome calves. If you can't tell, I'm a big fan of calves. Her pace was obviously better than mine as she ran past and looking like it took no effort at all to run and push a stroller. AMAZING! When I grow up....yeah...

Running keeps me happy

So my run took place at the big track on Fort Sam Houston. And I was actually there for car repairs and not so much to run. But car repairs take so long....why not, right? So I run. I finish my run and I head back to the shop which is about two and a half blocks away. I get to the car shop and hubba-hubba. Cute soldier men all over the place. Wowsers, right? They're going in and out of the Shoppette, looking so soldierly whilst I am here looking sweaty, frazzled, and RED. Two cuties greet me with a "hey, how are you..." So cute. I park my tired fanny on the bench right outside the door and witness something that took all the CUTE away. An elderly man, who looks about 85-ish or 90-ish, is approaching the door slowly behind the two cuties. They see him. Walk on, open the door, enter, and the door shuts with the elderly man two feet from the door. The door shuts in his face. I know this is a veteran.  Did we not just celebrate the 4th? This is someone's grandfather. Someone's father. Someone's loved one. Someone who probably saw more battles and wars than those two not-so-cute, young soldiers. I jump off my bench and open the dang door for the man. Common courtesy, people. Or is it not that common anymore? He was right behind them and they saw him. It seemed  like they saw him, rushed to the door, and forgot about him. NOT cool. 

Anywho. Short rant. Happy running people! Let's make it a good week!

Bad Guy Vs Good Cop

I got sidetracked/distracted from my afternoon run today. But it was a good distraction. It got an issue resolved and was an opportunity to clear the air and breathe normal again. The rest of the day just dragged, though. Just went on and on and on and on....which made me think, "Darn, I should have done that run..."

Got home and things were kind of up in the air and life seemed a little upside down for a second. And then it was just me and lil man, eating a late dinner, coloring a TMNT coloring book, and talking about splash day at his summer camp. AND THEN...because I still had that itch to MOVE or RUN or WALK or do something, I suggested a walk. I've seen lil man do a 3-mile hike and he was amazing. I hadn't witnessed him run distances longer than a quarter of a quarter mile. We get out and for fun-sies I say, "Hey let's run!" And he says with no hesitation, "Okay." And we are running....well slow jogging. And he is talking the WHOLE time. About his friend hitting him at summer camp. His water shoe getting soaked in the swirly, wiggly sprinklers. His tooth is even more loose. Shows me what he can do to his teeth with his tongue. Laughs at a few of his knock knock jokes (which make no sense to me AT ALL), and he even does a cartwheel.

And then after about half a mile of doing this, he invents a game. I'm the bad guy. He's the good cop, and he has to chase me. I figure, sure why not!! And so I run a little bit faster. He is keeping up. So I run a little bit faster. He continues to keep pace with me. So I run even faster. And still he is right there behind me. Then it gets dark and I'm not liking him behind me. I tell him let's switch. So now I'm the good cop and he is the bad guy, and I have to chase him. Folks, this kid is a runner. We made the mistake of eating just before this "walk." So I'm not keeping up with him at all...in fact, I have to shout for him to slow down a bit. AND I'm feeling like I might have to puke...or poop. We kind of ate heavy.

So yeah. Lil man is running and I'm having to honestly, seriously, for real chase him. And if there is anything I am NOT (as of these days), it's a sprinter! But even after one mile, Lil Man is still gearing for more. But we have to stop. Yes, because of me. So I'm lame. BUT dude! My kid is awesome! He agreed to be my running partner in the evenings, on the weekends, and bank holidays. And he definitely wants to go with my on the next 5K, the Color Vibe.

http://www.thecolorvibe.com/

So in conclusion. I like to run. And I'm super blessed to have a son who can keep me motivated, active, and inspired. What a kid! But of course he's good at running. Look at those long, lean, limber legs! 

What the Jack Rabbit!

So I've been running for six weeks. Average number of runs each week usually about three. And usually on a weekday during my lunch hour. Last week was a bad week. Bad, bad, bad week for me. ONE single, crappy, slow, pain-filled run. I've done a total of 13 runs and 23 miles in these six weeks. My average pace is about 12 minutes per mile, and my average distance is about 1.7 miles per run. My fastest 5K was 40:34...well it's been my only 5K that I've run completely. So tis my running stats.

Why do you run? And all out in the heat and humid and junks. I run because I got the Nike+ app and created this blog. That's what keeps me motivated at least. So I'd have something to blog about because we all know how my dating blog went. Actually, I could have kept the dating blog going BUT it was not something I was good at committing myself to yet. The male is still my enemy. But maybe I could have turned that infamous dating blog into a blog along the lines: How to be the worst female date ever. Or how to be the cynical, rude, judgmental, shallow female date. I'll consider that later perhaps. But really, I run because it's cheap therapy. I run because I don't want my body to crumble under the stress, pressure, and craziness of my life. I run because it's one of the only commitments I could make right now that seems right, fits right, and doesn't cost me too much (i.e cost me money, cost me my heart, cost me my time, etc etc). I run because I love the burn of a upward hill, the heat of the sun, and the sting in my lungs when I get past the worst part of my run which is the beginning. I run for the scenery. Like the rabbit that jumped right in the middle of my path today.

I was getting past the mile and a half mark and BAM! The little bundle of fur hops out of the tangled branches of bushes and small leaves of ferns right in front of me. I think he was about 20 feet in front of me. I see him and I think, "Oh a rabbit. He'll move..." He doesn't move. Just looks back at me, ears perked up, eyes big and glossy. I'm getting closer. He is STILL sitting there in the middle of my path. It was kind of creepy the way it was staring at me. So now I'm trying to see if there's any foam evident and I'm slowing down. I shoo at it, waving my arms and kicking up some pebbles. He just sits and stares. I refuse to stop. No EXCUSES. Rabies or not. Finally he jumps back into the bushes. When I'm about five feet away from him. I run by those bushes with as much speed as I can muster. I was having serious visions of said rabbit jumping back out again this time trying to bite or nibble my ankles or something. So far, on my runs, I've met Mr. Cuteness, Mr. and Mrs. WeWillLoveEachOtherForever, and Mr. Jack Rabbit. Who will I meet next? The possibilities!!

Well, I've been doing pretty good at keeping up with my runs. Kind of good. It's better than NOT running or doing anything. But my weakness. Food. What kind? ALL OF IT! My appetite has been insatiable lately. Don't know what it is but I'm always hungry or thirsty.

Also, quick tangent. I saw Man of Steel Saturday.

Okay. Batman. Bruce Wayne. I'm so sorry guys but I think I've fallen for Superman...Mr. Clark Kent. I mean, wowsers. Those shoulders, calves, and teeth! Have I mentioned how I'm a big fan of nice shoulders, calves and teeth? Gorgeous. Oh, dear. Excuse my drool, please. 

Alright, tangent done. Anywho. More runs to come. Hope everyone's Monday didn't suck too bad. Mine was not too bad. Happy running and OUT!