Friday, June 28, 2013
Thursday, June 27, 2013
These Images
Sometimes the world can just get to you. Sometimes bug bites are outta control. Sometimes I just got to cry. Yeah, I know. I'm a huge cry baby. Emotional. Irrational. However you want to label such things. But hot showers are the one of the best places to release those tears, I tell ya. While the steam and the water pound your aching body, your tears and snot are just running. Cleansing. Yeah, that's the word. It felt cleansing. Let it all wash down the drain. Gone away. Bye-bye now.
So anywhosies. I went on another two mile run. I wanted to do three but just couldn't pump it out of me (one of the reasons I'm such a cry baby tonight). By that second mile, my toes were already numb and I knew if I kept going I would fall on my face because my knees were DONE. And it was like a bazillion degrees outside. I left my grandma cap at the office AND my water. What a lousy runner! Forgetting my essentials like that! But no matter what, I'm determined not to quit this time. MUST RUN AT LEAST THREE TIMES A WEEK! MUST!!
But on my run today, I jogged very slowly and painfully past an older couple. Hands clasped, helping each other. Talking to each other. I couldn't hear their words because I had my playlist jamming in my ears; but I got a sense of joy emanating from them. He was engaged in her words, and she was animated. Light in her eyes, laughing, smiling. And their image together is stuck in my head. Like a slow motion scene, replaying. Her free hand drawing, shaping her words with back and forth strokes as she talked. The crinkle around his eyes and the wrinkle on the bridge of his nose as he was clearly amused by her story. The sun bright behind their bodies, somehow illuminating something inside both of them. These people know joy, I thought to myself. They only glanced at me, nodding graciously at me but their eyes obviously dancing for each other. I'd say they were about 60-ish. I ran past them but I looked back. I looked back because I wanted to catch one more glimpse of them and THAT vibe they were giving. They never looked back at me. Just continued on their way.
I looked away and resumed mypathetic challenging run. Today I ended my run with their image in my head and knew I yearned and craved what they had. I ended my run with a little moisture pooling in my eyes. And as emotions built inside of my little body, it slapped me in the face how angry and sad and bitter I still am. Yeah, Sabrina still needs some work and growing to do.
So anywhosies. I went on another two mile run. I wanted to do three but just couldn't pump it out of me (one of the reasons I'm such a cry baby tonight). By that second mile, my toes were already numb and I knew if I kept going I would fall on my face because my knees were DONE. And it was like a bazillion degrees outside. I left my grandma cap at the office AND my water. What a lousy runner! Forgetting my essentials like that! But no matter what, I'm determined not to quit this time. MUST RUN AT LEAST THREE TIMES A WEEK! MUST!!
But on my run today, I jogged very slowly and painfully past an older couple. Hands clasped, helping each other. Talking to each other. I couldn't hear their words because I had my playlist jamming in my ears; but I got a sense of joy emanating from them. He was engaged in her words, and she was animated. Light in her eyes, laughing, smiling. And their image together is stuck in my head. Like a slow motion scene, replaying. Her free hand drawing, shaping her words with back and forth strokes as she talked. The crinkle around his eyes and the wrinkle on the bridge of his nose as he was clearly amused by her story. The sun bright behind their bodies, somehow illuminating something inside both of them. These people know joy, I thought to myself. They only glanced at me, nodding graciously at me but their eyes obviously dancing for each other. I'd say they were about 60-ish. I ran past them but I looked back. I looked back because I wanted to catch one more glimpse of them and THAT vibe they were giving. They never looked back at me. Just continued on their way.
I looked away and resumed my
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| Starring at the horizon, waiting, hoping... |
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Running Depression
I don't know what my problem is but this week has been horrendous. And I'm ready for it to be done and over with. Every day this week so far, I've felt like crawling in a dark and dreary corner and hibernating until it's winter. SUMMER! Why does it feel like this summer is more wretched than last summer?
And I haven't gone on a long run in FIVE days! What is up with that? Between court dates, school prep stuff, young women stuff, bug bite troubles, and a Benadryl overdose, I haven't forced the time to run. That makes me depressed. Where is my endorphin high!!!??? So to conquer this depression, I've set a goal to run Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Beat me to a pulp if I don't, please. I cannot stop now. I cannot quit! I will not!!
You let one week slide. Then it becomes two...then three...then before you know it, it's been three months and your jeans aren't fitting quite right. I'm feeling withdrawal. I'm grumpy. I'm super anxious. Feeling restless and jittery. Today my eyelids were twitching. Both at the same time. Mood swings have been terrible. My appetite...well, I got none. I'm skipping breakfast. I'm skipping lunch. I'm a mess. All from just five days. So yeah, peeps! Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Get back on that horse and ride her!!
Anywhosies. Happy running, peeps and sleep well. I took some more benadryl so I'm gonna be snoring pretty soon here...or not. Who knows what can happen in this drug induced drowsiness and depression! OUT!
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| Man, this stuff can knock you out cold!! |
And I haven't gone on a long run in FIVE days! What is up with that? Between court dates, school prep stuff, young women stuff, bug bite troubles, and a Benadryl overdose, I haven't forced the time to run. That makes me depressed. Where is my endorphin high!!!??? So to conquer this depression, I've set a goal to run Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Beat me to a pulp if I don't, please. I cannot stop now. I cannot quit! I will not!!
You let one week slide. Then it becomes two...then three...then before you know it, it's been three months and your jeans aren't fitting quite right. I'm feeling withdrawal. I'm grumpy. I'm super anxious. Feeling restless and jittery. Today my eyelids were twitching. Both at the same time. Mood swings have been terrible. My appetite...well, I got none. I'm skipping breakfast. I'm skipping lunch. I'm a mess. All from just five days. So yeah, peeps! Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Get back on that horse and ride her!!
 |
| Best run quote/advice ever! |
Monday, June 24, 2013
Nigga puh-leeeze!
What a day! What a day! I have a lot of negative things to say about this day BUT so much positive has come out of it, that I won't. It's just not worth it. Oh EXCEPT, downtown parking fees! $12!! A thousand, million head shakes! Yet, at the end of the day I know that I've grown a deeper faith and appreciation for PRAYERS. I'm grateful for the awesome people in my life whom I can ask for some assistance in prayers, but I'm most grateful for my family who bless me with their faith and their spiritual strength through priesthood blessings and family prayers. I've never felt a greater unity in our family than when we are kneeling in a circle with one another, praying and counseling with our Heavenly Father. And I cannot express my gratitude for a father who can place his hands upon my head with a blessing, imparting words of strength, courage, and wisdom to be able to hold my head high, speak with humility, and know the direction I need to go when faced with issues/troubles/trials/hard decisions. I am blessed.
And then a funny story. Well I thought it was a little bit funny. My day consisted of me spending the day at the courthouse. In the basement. With a bunch of dead beat dads. (Can you guess what I was there for? BORING!) Child support court. Needless to say the proceedings for that hearing was endless and exhausting. But your name gets called several times for your case as you go from one advocate or representative to the next. Passing you along, hoping an agreement can be made between the parties of the case. My name is peculiar, I suppose. Especially the YAKANA part. So I suppose people kind of paid attention. Well, as I'm going up to the judge's bench to finally come to the end of this long, dark tunnel I hear, "Heeeeeey, Sabrina Yakana...." It's not a voice I recognize but it's loud enough for pretty much everyone to hear. I turn and this black man with the most awful mustache is winking at me. Seriously? And here is the reaction that bleeped in my head for a second:
"Boy, I know you did not just wink at me. You are up in here because you haven't paid a dime of child support towards your three kids all born out of wedlock. All of them they had to do DNA testing because you refused to admit you were the dad. I'm here because my son's dad has a hard time keeping his obligations for our ONE kid and you over here cat-calling me? NIGGA PUH-LEEEZE!"
But I didn't say a word. I slightly rolled my eyes and approached the judge's bench to just get the day over!! Yet, as I'm leaving once again I hear, "Byyyyyyyyye Sabrina, girl...." Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. This time I did turn around with a, "Nuh-uh." With a wag of my finger, one eyebrow lifted and arched, and that stance that says please-don't-play-that-game-with-me. As I've said before, just TIRED. TIRED. TIRED. JUST TRIED AND TIRED. TRIED AND TIRED.
And then a funny story. Well I thought it was a little bit funny. My day consisted of me spending the day at the courthouse. In the basement. With a bunch of dead beat dads. (Can you guess what I was there for? BORING!) Child support court. Needless to say the proceedings for that hearing was endless and exhausting. But your name gets called several times for your case as you go from one advocate or representative to the next. Passing you along, hoping an agreement can be made between the parties of the case. My name is peculiar, I suppose. Especially the YAKANA part. So I suppose people kind of paid attention. Well, as I'm going up to the judge's bench to finally come to the end of this long, dark tunnel I hear, "Heeeeeey, Sabrina Yakana...." It's not a voice I recognize but it's loud enough for pretty much everyone to hear. I turn and this black man with the most awful mustache is winking at me. Seriously? And here is the reaction that bleeped in my head for a second:
"Boy, I know you did not just wink at me. You are up in here because you haven't paid a dime of child support towards your three kids all born out of wedlock. All of them they had to do DNA testing because you refused to admit you were the dad. I'm here because my son's dad has a hard time keeping his obligations for our ONE kid and you over here cat-calling me? NIGGA PUH-LEEEZE!"
But I didn't say a word. I slightly rolled my eyes and approached the judge's bench to just get the day over!! Yet, as I'm leaving once again I hear, "Byyyyyyyyye Sabrina, girl...." Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. This time I did turn around with a, "Nuh-uh." With a wag of my finger, one eyebrow lifted and arched, and that stance that says please-don't-play-that-game-with-me. As I've said before, just TIRED. TIRED. TIRED. JUST TRIED AND TIRED. TRIED AND TIRED.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Soreness and Confessions
I am so sore!!!!!!! It's a goooooood sore. The kind of sore that could get you hooked, addicted. I decided on P90X Core Synergistics. Goooood stuff! It's been a while since I worked out anything besides whatever you work out when you run, and boy, I felt the burn, burn, burn. The ring of fire. Well, you know. But whew! I'm loving it! So goal next week. Work out every day. Run one day. P90X it up the next day. Then run the next day and so on and so forth. Yeah, baby!!!
And now confessions:
I don't diet.
I try to eat clean and healthy;
BUT I looooooove food.
And I love the food that ain't good for ya!
I like to sniff the sharpies and I keep a fresh one in my desk...
My sharpie went missing today. The cave was
closed and locked where all the extra sharpies are....
Did I have a heart attack? Yes, a mini one but then
my sibling got me a chocolate milkshake...
And back to my looooooooove for food. MMMM milkshake!
Yup that was today. But it wasn't a big one. It was medium-ish.
So I don't feel too, too guilty about that.
And one more...I like perfume. I hated it growing up. But now...
I like Victoria's Secret, Ed Hardy, Dots, Clinique...
Britney Spears Fantasy...what is happening to me?
Is it because I stink? I still like my body spray but
lately I find myself experimenting with perfumes............
Who am I anymore??
 |
| Man, I tell ya! I looooooooove this stuff like crack or sumthin! |
Anywho. Four weeks of running after three months of NO running. Keep going, keep going, Brina Bear!! Run until your little heart just explodes and gives out. Endorphin high? Yes, please! Well, ladies and a few gents...happy Friday! Well wishes for your weekend and happy running!
Positive Affirmations!
Today I need to stay focused.
Today I need to stay positive.
Today I will make the best of everything.
Today I will survive whatever is thrown at me.
And today I will be invincible.
Because today is Friday, Friday, Friday!!
This weekend I need to breathe and meditate.
This weekend I need to prepare myself for Monday.
This weekend I will keep my priorities in line.
This weekend I will get myself ready for battle.
This weekend will be for me.
Because I know who I am, I know what I"m about.
And no one will scare me or put fear in me,
Because God is my light and loves me totally and completely.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Good Points But Shut Up!
First, Go Spurs Go!!!
And now. I went on another run today at my usual park with my more than usually bright running shirt. And yes, I was hoping for another sight of ridiculously chiseled and perfect running man. No such luck. Maybe I scared him with what I thought was my most endearing smile that might have been less than endearing. Perhaps more creeper-ish than anything. Oh well. Maybe next time. Although, my sibling brought up a good point: He could be a serial killer. Hmmm...good point. Keeping my pepper spray and knife with me. I'm thinking I should get a gun and a concealed handgun license. Serial killers *shivers* It's a good thing I have siblings. They bring me back to reality. Cuz I'm such a space cadet sometimes! Aye!
And then I get home, do my routine of dinner, bath time, pajama time. Then I hop into the shower. Let the steam curl around my sore muscles and.....I BURST INTO TEARS. Because the exhaustion has caught up to me. I'm tired. I'm tired of this and tired of that. I'm tired of being lied to, cheated, and broken. Words are priceless to me and if you didn't know, I'm a big WORD NERD. But as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. If you're gonna say it, you better mean it. I have no faith in anything any guy says to me anymore. I'm tired of lil man asking me about brothers and sisters. I'm tired of feeling so paranoid. I'm tired....just tired. Can I say this word enough? Tired??
I have GOT to let go of this fear of being hurt again. The hot tears on my face tonight spoke of my dumb reluctance to let go of these foolish fears. Someone I know told me it's about time I get out. Time I let go. Three years is enough years wasted on building these walls. I'm like SHUT UP. But inside I'm like.....yeah, probably. But SHUT UP.
Anywho. I'm either going to go for another run tomorrow or save it for a 4 mile run on Saturday. If I don't run tomorrow, then I'll mix in some P90X...my favorite: PLYOMETRICS!!!
So. Yeah. End blog entry. End mini-venting. Stay healthy and happy running, peeps!
And now. I went on another run today at my usual park with my more than usually bright running shirt. And yes, I was hoping for another sight of ridiculously chiseled and perfect running man. No such luck. Maybe I scared him with what I thought was my most endearing smile that might have been less than endearing. Perhaps more creeper-ish than anything. Oh well. Maybe next time. Although, my sibling brought up a good point: He could be a serial killer. Hmmm...good point. Keeping my pepper spray and knife with me. I'm thinking I should get a gun and a concealed handgun license. Serial killers *shivers* It's a good thing I have siblings. They bring me back to reality. Cuz I'm such a space cadet sometimes! Aye!
And then I get home, do my routine of dinner, bath time, pajama time. Then I hop into the shower. Let the steam curl around my sore muscles and.....I BURST INTO TEARS. Because the exhaustion has caught up to me. I'm tired. I'm tired of this and tired of that. I'm tired of being lied to, cheated, and broken. Words are priceless to me and if you didn't know, I'm a big WORD NERD. But as the saying goes, actions speak louder than words. If you're gonna say it, you better mean it. I have no faith in anything any guy says to me anymore. I'm tired of lil man asking me about brothers and sisters. I'm tired of feeling so paranoid. I'm tired....just tired. Can I say this word enough? Tired??
I have GOT to let go of this fear of being hurt again. The hot tears on my face tonight spoke of my dumb reluctance to let go of these foolish fears. Someone I know told me it's about time I get out. Time I let go. Three years is enough years wasted on building these walls. I'm like SHUT UP. But inside I'm like.....yeah, probably. But SHUT UP.
Anywho. I'm either going to go for another run tomorrow or save it for a 4 mile run on Saturday. If I don't run tomorrow, then I'll mix in some P90X...my favorite: PLYOMETRICS!!!
So. Yeah. End blog entry. End mini-venting. Stay healthy and happy running, peeps!
The Most Wonderful Sight
I went for my run yesterday afternoon as usual at my usual park in my usual bright colored running shorts and shirt. And I am running along slow and steady. At about a mile and a half I came upon and beheld the most wonderful looking man. He was tall, had incredible calves, a good, strong set of shoulders, wavy, sandy brown hair and the bluest eyes I ever did see in my life. As I'm running towards him, I can feel my legs lift a little higher and my pace speed up a little. When we are closer, we steal little glances at each other. And then he smiled and waved....!!! I never pay attention to other runners when I'm out there running but I'll be damned if I ignore this gorgeous specimen of a human male. I don't care if I feel like I could never have a chance with him or that he might be out of my league (I mean, this man was chiseled and perfect!), I waved back. And I think I flashed one of my more charming, endearing smiles. And then we passed each other up...
I passed him two more times on the trail. Each time we waved and smiled. I think I'll go running again today. Maybe he'll be there. Can you hear me laughing at myself? But if you were me and you saw him, you'd do the same. I promise you this.
Anywho! Happy Thursday, happy running, and GO SPURS GO!
I passed him two more times on the trail. Each time we waved and smiled. I think I'll go running again today. Maybe he'll be there. Can you hear me laughing at myself? But if you were me and you saw him, you'd do the same. I promise you this.
Anywho! Happy Thursday, happy running, and GO SPURS GO!
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
THE MUSIC!!
My running/jogging playlist
1. Around the World- Daft Punk
2. Da Funk- Daft Punk
3. Get Lucky- Daft Punk
4. What You Know- Two Door Cinema Club
5. Boom Lay(Diamond Eyes)- Shinedown
6. Dog Days Are Over- Florence and The Machine
Can you tell which is my favorite? But I might switch it up a bit next week. What kind of songs make your run better and stronger? Any recommendations?
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Honest and Forever
Haven't dated in months. Might be going on a year pretty soon here. While I have no dates to report or type about, I feel like I need to purge "something" from this little head of mine. I don't know exactly what it is...but it's something like this:
I need a place to vent. To release all the negative, sad, lonely feelings I am experiencing during this journey. The disappointments. I need a place to cry, to count the salty tears of my single-hood. I need a place where I can confess the gallons of ice cream I consume on a very bad, lonesome night; or maybe a place where I can just be brutally honest with myself. And let others be scathingly honest with me in return. I need a place where I can whine and fall apart when things get to me. Where I can sort out my thoughts and feelings.
It's hard to date when you don't trust anyone. Or don't care. For yourself. For them. For whoever. When you've forced yourself to be as numb as you can. I mean, at this rate, I can only associate men with HURT. As far as romancing goes for me these days, I don't think I believe in that fairy tale princess load of crap anymore. I don't know. Maybe someday I'll wake up from this "sleep" and find my "prince charming" has been there all along. Today, though, the men I have dated end up only wanting me for a certain thing or other. And by that I mean a casual relationship with casual sex. And yes, some of them have been "good" Mormon boys. Having been rejected for another set of reasons previously, this new issue is starting to create a whole new low for me. All the good guys are taken, and what's left is the nasty jerks. One could easily get depressed.
It's gotten to the point where if I ask a guy why he likes me, if he mentions anything physical about me, OUT. O-U-T you are out. Something as simple as "you are pretty" is strike one, two, three all in one. Whether they really think it's true or not, what's running through my head is that they are only saying it because it's what they think I want to hear and so I'll magically do and be whatever it is they want. Thank you, nasty men, for making me feel so sexy ( maybe?) but NO THANK YOU and sexy don't last forever.
What do I want? My goodness! How many times can a girl say what she wants?!?! But just to appease, I guess. I want HONEST. I want FOREVER. Honest being a love that is true, loyal, and real; those are things that are worth keeping, worth caring and dying for, and worth the work. When it's honest, there are no secrets, no lies, no suspicions. Honest is simple, plain, and God-fearing. And when it can be honest, it will be FOREVER. Forever meaning you have temporal and eternal goals. Knowing that love is work but the work will facilitate growth and be the catalyst to progression to that "perfect" love. Where you love more, deeper, more meaningfully, more honestly and with a purity that last eons, lifetimes, for eternities. HONEST AND FOREVER. Too much to ask? Well, I'll just be the persistent toddler and ask a bazillion times until something gives.
I need a place to vent. To release all the negative, sad, lonely feelings I am experiencing during this journey. The disappointments. I need a place to cry, to count the salty tears of my single-hood. I need a place where I can confess the gallons of ice cream I consume on a very bad, lonesome night; or maybe a place where I can just be brutally honest with myself. And let others be scathingly honest with me in return. I need a place where I can whine and fall apart when things get to me. Where I can sort out my thoughts and feelings.
It's hard to date when you don't trust anyone. Or don't care. For yourself. For them. For whoever. When you've forced yourself to be as numb as you can. I mean, at this rate, I can only associate men with HURT. As far as romancing goes for me these days, I don't think I believe in that fairy tale princess load of crap anymore. I don't know. Maybe someday I'll wake up from this "sleep" and find my "prince charming" has been there all along. Today, though, the men I have dated end up only wanting me for a certain thing or other. And by that I mean a casual relationship with casual sex. And yes, some of them have been "good" Mormon boys. Having been rejected for another set of reasons previously, this new issue is starting to create a whole new low for me. All the good guys are taken, and what's left is the nasty jerks. One could easily get depressed.
It's gotten to the point where if I ask a guy why he likes me, if he mentions anything physical about me, OUT. O-U-T you are out. Something as simple as "you are pretty" is strike one, two, three all in one. Whether they really think it's true or not, what's running through my head is that they are only saying it because it's what they think I want to hear and so I'll magically do and be whatever it is they want. Thank you, nasty men, for making me feel so sexy ( maybe?) but NO THANK YOU and sexy don't last forever.
What do I want? My goodness! How many times can a girl say what she wants?!?! But just to appease, I guess. I want HONEST. I want FOREVER. Honest being a love that is true, loyal, and real; those are things that are worth keeping, worth caring and dying for, and worth the work. When it's honest, there are no secrets, no lies, no suspicions. Honest is simple, plain, and God-fearing. And when it can be honest, it will be FOREVER. Forever meaning you have temporal and eternal goals. Knowing that love is work but the work will facilitate growth and be the catalyst to progression to that "perfect" love. Where you love more, deeper, more meaningfully, more honestly and with a purity that last eons, lifetimes, for eternities. HONEST AND FOREVER. Too much to ask? Well, I'll just be the persistent toddler and ask a bazillion times until something gives.
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